The quiet mouse

I’m going to be brutally honest here. Here are some things in order that scare me.

My husband. Yes I said my husband. We’ve been together over 10 years. We went on vacation to a Southern state to visit friends. A few weeks before we left we were watching an anime show in the basement. Well it jumped episodes and was going to show out of order. I just kept watching. He grabbed my head and shoved it into the back of the couch cushion and kept bouncing it deeper into the cushion. I was so caught off guard that I didn’t even fight back. I never thought he would assault me over a tv show. He later said it was all my fault and that I made him do it. I went on vacation with him and our friends a few weeks later afraid of what he might do to me. I did tell him that if he ever did anything like that to me again he wouldn’t know what would hit him. I told him that people would move faster than me and he would not be able to stand up in one piece. He’s never tried to physically assault me ever again. This man has taken to emotionally and mentally abusing me. I have been gaslighted, criticized and just dragged through the trenches mentally and emotionally by him.

The hardest thing is acting like it doesn’t bother me that he’s acting like this. He’s an ass. He’s a narcissist.

Not having control of my anxiety. I can have some pretty intense panic attacks. I’ve had them last for 45 minutes. I’ve had them to where my sense of touch is all wacko and just touching me hurts. Thank goodness for my medicine that helps me so much. I can function. I can have friends. I can walk into a social situation and not be shaking by the end.

I can honestly remember my first panic attack and I really didn’t realize what it was at the time. I was out of state for college and a group of us were hanging out at of their houses. There was like 15 or 20 people. Well they decided to shoot some targets and brought out so many guns I had never seen before. Their neighbors called the police ( neighbors didn’t like these people). The police showed up and I was terrified that we were all going to get arrested. I ended up hiding in the bushes trying to hide. I was so scared. Someone found me and convinced me to come out and be social. This is honestly one of the first times I’ve talked about this episode. I grew up around fire arms and knew gun safety. I think seeing that many made me nervous and having the police show up. The amount they had covered the tailgate of a truck into the bed. It was just between two people owning them. There were a lot of things I didn’t understand 20+ years ago. Naive farm girl here. But as an adult I understand a lot more now. But people still scare me.

As a mom one of the scariest things I can’t control is when one of my kids gets sick. I’m up every couple of hours at night taking temperatures and giving medicine.

Something happening while driving. I’ve had a few doozy things happen. Driving home on the highway from classes at a local college my breaks went completely out. I somehow remained cool and heard my dad’s voice say” you always have breaks just hit them hard and the back ones will kick in.” I got home in one piece and dad was proud, pissed, and shocked I had drove 25 minutes with no breaks and no cellphone. I was a stupid 21 year old right? He was able to fix them.

I think that’s just about it. Some places, names and events have been changed. But other things are true.