The quiet mouse

I really need a hug today. It’s been mental games since I got up. I had to barter to get an extra 30 minutes of sleep. My husband is now in our bedroom getting quiet time. We both didn’t get good sleep last night. I really don’t mind him going off and getting some time to himself.

If I would do that I would have to beg and plead just to get time away from the girls.

I love my girls but sometimes I really need time away from them.

I might be on medication to help me with my anxiety but sometimes I still get overwhelmed and anxious.

I’ve kinda had to learn how to just take those anxious thoughts and put them in a box and deal with them later.

My first Christmas party with my husbands family I had a panic attack and hid in the hallway. 30 people in one house was overwhelming.

I grew up with small family gatherings. Like 6 or 8 people minimum.

His family is different. It takes hours to open presents. Everyone opens one present at a time and his mom has to take pictures. The kids open first then there’s a break to eat and then the adults open their gifts.

In my family we pass out presents and just open them. There’s no one at a time thing. Plus we do have food.

Sometimes I just need a hug. I’ve been married into this family for over 10 years and it’s still overwhelming.

I just want to sit and be hugged tight and know that I can breathe and feel secure and safe.

I don’t feel that in this house. I’ve been physically assaulted and mentally and emotionally abused through the years.

I would love to not be manipulated into doing something. I would love to feel confident. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved not used.