Silence for almost a week. Ya I don’t know how you can do it. I really don’t.
You just slipped into the black fog that you came out of.
Im not sure how to describe it.
Thats just what it is
Category: Uncategorized
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This sucks. It really does.
I started talking to an old friend from college. I honestly felt we became good friends. I fell for him quietly all over again.
We decided to take a break from our friendship because of the issues in my own marriage.
He literally disappeared. Literally. It’s like he was never there. So now I’m grieving losing him as a friend twice. Twice.
I know he’ll come back out of whatever darkness he’s in. Honestly I don’t know if I can handle knowing that he could disappear again.
I know he is struggling with some things right now but I really thought i was a bright spot in his day. I realize now that is not the case. I never really was a bright spot for him. It hurts and stings.
It sucks that I have to grieve a friendship again.
I will let him know when my drama is over. I don’t know if he’ll come back. I hope he does. I really do.
If he ever found this blog I don’t know what I would say.
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Im taking my life back one thing at a time.
One thing.
At.
A.
Time.
You stepped back into the darkness that you came from.
I can’t see you now.
Were you ever really there?
Why did you let the darkness swallow you back up?
I tried to catch you but I didn’t move fast enough.
You smiled like you knew exactly what you were doing.
I think you did.
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I miss talking to you. I miss the wit and humor. I miss breaking your expectations.
This whole thing sucks.
I decided to not be married to my husband anymore. Something snapped in me. I don’t know what.
I just want more. I can’t be married toy husband and be healthy mentally. I need to be an amazing mom and person. I can’t do that with him around.
Boundaries I set my husband is slowly pushing back on. It’s subtle and quiet. It sucks that he’s doing it.
I totally expected him to do it but it still hurts that he’s doing it.
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3/4/25 wins for the day.
First off today was awesome. I finally got to see a glimpse into what busy look like for us at work.
My cookies were devoured and gone. I had to take what I had a home in for the shop.
my girls are going to their grandma’s house tonight. I knew it would be chaos when I got home to get organized and out the door with them.
So today at lunch I went home and packed their things for the sleep over. I also tossed a load of dishes in the wash.
It felt so good to get it all done.
I left a very confused cat though. I was there in the house for 35 minutes and then gone. She got no snuggles with me
Also my treadmill came today. Someone said that they were going to kick my butt and keep me motivated. I’m kinda doing that on my own right now.
I can’t get to where I want unless I work for it.
I’m so grateful for some amazing coworkers and friends who are pushing me to want more than what I’ve settled for.
So I’m taking it seriously. Don’t stop me. Just keep up.
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Yesterday I was a bundle of emotions. It was the day after couples counseling.
Figuring out what I want is going to be so hard.
The best way to describe how I feel right now is hard. I drew a circle and put a flower in it. Then I drew people all around the flower circle reaching for it.
People are telling me to do this or that and I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions at once.
I just want to sit and cry.
My sister says I know how it’s going to turn out. That it it never lasts. That I could do it but it would be hard.
My mom says that I need to try because she thinks I can’t do it on my own
Myself. I’m learning I have the confidence and I probably could do it on my own.
husband. Just try please.
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This is like my 4th post today. It really helps me to write it all out. Especially on the days I’m exhausted or hurting. Today is one of those days.
Sometimes on those days I just want to lay down and sleep. Those are the days o just want to draw a circle around me and not let anyone cross. But those are also the days I want someone to snuggle with me and reassure me that tomorrow is better.
Those are the days I’m mad at my body for attacking itself and giving me pain. Those are the days I lie to everyone and say I feel amazing.
Those are the days I want to be barefoot, braless and wearing pj’s.
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Today’s wins.
I had several wins for the day.
Abbie told me this morning that she didn’t want me to go to work. Ugh. I really didn’t want to either. I got to kiss her cheek goodbye
I know some days in the morning at work I’m just a bit to much to handle. The joke I heard today was that my coworkers might have to find a lesser amount of me to handle. I laughed so hard at that.
We got a new bed. It’s higher than the last last one. We’ve had it a week. Well one of the cats finally got in bed with last night. I cheered quietly. I missed her snuggles.
I made 12 dozen cookies on Sunday and took half to work. Well today the guys wanted more cookies. So tomorrow I’m taking what we have left at home to the guys.
The kid that normally doesn’t want snuggles from me is currently curled up in my lap. Usually she just wants her dad constantly. So yay for surprise kid snuggles.
I got a nap in after work. It felt so good. I know I’m still so tired and sore and my body is going to need the rest to heal. My rheumatoid arthritis is never going to go away. It’s kinda hard because some days I feel amazing and other days I feel like i have been hit by a truck pain and stiffness included.
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I came home from work and crashed. My goblins were home and were so good for their dad while I napped. I really needed it. I walked 2 miles yesterday while I was hurting.
Hurting.Well my emotions are all over the place like today’s storm. Totally unpredictable. It sucked it really did.
I think I’m okay right now. The map really helped. My body really didn’t want to get out of bed.
I’ve been waking up at 5am. Eeek it’s early. I’ve been at my job 6 months and my internal chronometer is finally doing it’s job.
The cat had better leave me alone tonight.
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No
Ive been on some kind of anti depression medicine for most of my marriage. I’m finally off the major ones. To not feel numb about things is amazing. Honestly it totally sucks.
I’m overwhelmed, I’m struggling with how to process them. I just really want to sit and not have people pull me in a million directions.
I remember stand on the foundation blocks in Germany for the Berlin wall and literally being in two places at once. It was so cool to have done something that was talked about in a movie.
Family and friends are pulling me in so many different directions I don’t know what to do.
I prayed and walked so much yesterday.
Today is a lot of prayers too.
The quiet mouse 