The quiet mouse

Step up and be the parent.

What a way to drag a mom down. That’s what was said to me this morning. I barely got to celebrate a tantrum free morning while getting the girls dressed. They are next door because I have a phone interview this morning.

Our mornings usually are a fight to get dressed. Miriam sometimes is agreeable and will get dressed without a fuss.

Abbie on the other hand will take her time and just lose focus you have to stay on her to get dressed.

This morning Abbie sat on my lap and I helped her get dressed while she ate her breakfast. It was great it was wonderful until we walked in next door. Miriam had a long sleeve dress on. Abbie had pants and a T-shirt on. It’s a little cooler out today. I did tell them that and they were insisting to wear what they had on.

I understand I have to be there parent. I understand I have to enforce structure and discipline.

Just let me enjoy the little winning moments. I might not be a fully prepared parent. I might not get things totally.

I do understand that I don’t live up to her expectations. It’s hard. I have to live up to my husband’s expectations and his mom’s. I’m still a first time mom. I’ll always be that. I just have the girls no other kids. My first kids. I’m still learning and figuring things out.

I have a husband who gets upset at the littlest mistake. I seriously try to do what I need to do to keep everyone happy. I just can’t anymore. I want to be happy too. I feel like I’m spinning in circles trying to keep up with things.

That just how I’m feeling this morning.

October 2, 2024

family, life, lifestyle, motherhood, parenting, spinning-in-circles
The bush

Moses encountered the burning bush in the desert. It was burning but not consuming the bush.

What if we let God’s power burn through us. When things burn their structure is literally changed. It crumples and cracks and falls apart.

But sometimes it doesn’t fall apart. Sometimes it gets stronger and better with the fire. The bush that was burning wasn’t crumpled with the fire. It was standing with it.

We Should let God burn in us and through us. He’s going to make us stronger. He will fill in those gaps and cracks with himself.

Why are we hesitant about letting God change us? We don’t like giving up control. We don’t like change. We are afraid of how things will end up.

Dit back and take a deep breath and let God move in you.

October 1, 2024
Having 2 tiny humans can be amazing, a blessing and insane all at once.

The other day I sat on the couch and was listening to them play in their room. The way they talk is different. The way they laugh is different. Customers used to ask me all the time if they were the same. I would say of course not. The girls are two different people.

God made them different. Right down to their fingerprints. Would you like a base of all the same flowers or would you rather have beauty, individuality, creativity, and so much more.

These girls love and forgive so different than we as adults do.

If we as adults would listen and watch how are kids love and forgive maybe our world would be a better place.

The don’t put limitations on each other.

They don’t discriminate by hair color, skin color or where they come from.

They don’t worry if you are the same religion as them.

They don’t care if they have name brand clothes on.

They care if you love them.

They want your hugs and love.

They don’t want strings attached to that love.

October 1, 2024
They moved the goal post.

It stood farther away

I now had more hoops to jump through to reach it.

I took a deep breath

I plotted my course.

I changed directions.

I turned away from the goal post and looked out into the unknown.

Only i could see my new goal

It looked like I had given up.

I had only changed course.

I’m going around those hoops.

I’m not going to drown

I’m not a strong swimmer but I can find my way.

I will rise above the waves and stand firm beside my goal.

Whose coming with me?

October 1, 2024
My girls watched Puss In Boots today and loved it. It was also the first time I had seen it too.

Miriam has Decided that she has to be touching me at all times today. She loves having me home from work.

I love being home with them.

Yesterday I asked Abbie to spell her name for me and she did. She got every letter right. I’m so proud of her.

I have called over a dozen places checking on my application. I also applied to more companies. I have several interviews this week.

The strange thing though is I have people calling me to set up interviews that I didn’t apply with. I double and triple checked my list.

So someone got my information and I’m not sure how.

I’ve applied to over 60 places and I have three that I am really hoping that they get back to me soon.

The printing company I interviewed with last week.

A local furniture store ( interview tomorrow)

And a farm parts store. ( Interview Thursday)

I will update with what happens.

October 1, 2024
Have a back up plan

As I have said in some previous posts I left my job at the end of August. I have applied to over 65 places. I have only had 4 interviews.

I think it’s mostly that I don’t have the computer skills or more of a college education behind me.

One of the classes I took in college was hospital phlebotomy and I really enjoyed that. I wish I would have taken it further. There were 14 of us in the class and only 2 got jobs.

I had a chance at applying for a traveling phlebotomist but my parents were not happy that I was going to be putting that many miles on my car. It was an older lumina.

I guess I got persuaded and dragged down and I just gave up.

I wonder how much of what they told me was true.

I almost drove back out to Indiana to visit friends. One of my friends was a really good mechanic and he said that my car would be able to handle the drive. I guess I should have listened to him more.

My dad didn’t normally do things out of his comfort bubble.

But my friend did things out of his comfort bubble all the time.

I’m learning how to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I want. It’s kinda freeing.

I just wonder how much of what we did as a family was just staying in our comfort zone.

Anyways. I’m really thinking about taking some classes again. At least getting a degree after all these years. Alot of the work from home jobs are ones with a degree. I honestly could take one class at a time and just take forever to get it done.

I guess I need to add college to my bucket list.

September 30, 2024
The link I posted i think everyone needs to hear. We all have bad days. We all get stressed out. Our minds don’t want to shut off sometimes.

I watched this and said I really need this. I need a hug and reassurance before I go to bed tonight. I know tomorrow will be better.

I have an amazing God who does just this. His promises are forever and he doesn’t break them. He’s my rock and my salvation. He loves me just the way I am. Some days I’m bruised, broken, bleeding and dirty and he sits down with me and eats. I might be frustrated and angry and he listens and reassures me that tomorrow is better.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/ULeG4iEmoE9hc8mz/?mibextid=oFDknk

September 30, 2024
I went to Meijer today and got some groceries. I picked up some chicken Alfredo, Gatorade and some sushi. I totally forgot to get some hair conditioner. Ugh

I went next door to pick up my girls. I was supposed to get back by 3pm to pick them up.

My mothe-in-law asked me what I picked up for supper. I told her mac and cheese. She asked if it was just Mac and cheese and I said yes. She said that wouldn’t go over well in her house and that her husband would have to have meat with it.

I told her that just having Mac n cheese was okay and that you didn’t need anything else with it. I then was grilled about what meat we had in the house that I could add to it.

Seriously, what I bought wasn’t good enough for her. I didn’t have any extra thawed cooked meat to add to it wasn’t good enough.

I did talk to my husband about it and expressed how I wasn’t good enough for her. He said she has a narrow walk that she has with her life and if someone doesn’t fit into that narrow path then she comes down on them harder. He did agree that she comes down on me harder than some people and he would talk to her.

After 13 years of marriage I honestly don’t think he will do it. He has never stood up to his mom. Ever. Even when she called me backwards and said I was raised wrong.

I also think that my husband gaslighted me tonight.

He said I have a tendency to rewrite things in my mind that happen. Then he said that he would talk to his mom. I know he’s trying to make it seem like things didn’t happen the way they did and that I’m overreacting.

He’s said things like this before. Him and his family are one of the reasons I don’t want to have anymore kids. I honestly would love to have another child. But I don’t want it with him.

Brutal honesty there. I said it. I didn’t mind all the doctors appointments and the monitoring I had.

What I did mind was the terrorizing that his mother did to me while I was pregnant. He never stood up to her. He just let her do it. He took her side on things.

That’s why I don’t think he’ll have a talk with his mom.

September 30, 2024

cooking, food, health, life, recipes
I had sushi today for a late lunch. It was so good. I have friends who don’t like Sushi and some really do.

I drove 25 minutes to pick up an order for my business.

I went to Kohl’s to return a shirt and ended up buying two shirts. I needed some more dressy clothes honestly. Especially if I am going on more job interviews. I have applied to over 60 places this month and have only gotten 4 interviews. How crazy is that.

I’m this plain kinda girl. I wear my hair back in a ponytail and wear jeans and a T-shirt.

I choose not to get my hair done or get my nails painted. I just don’t need it.

I would rather go barefoot than wear shoes. There’s some side effects to that one. I love being barefoot but I really need the support that shows give my feet. Especially around my ankles. I have been known to trip and fall just walking. It’s kinda funny.

The last time I fell here at home I was walking across the yard and tripped and fell on my right side.

Well, the force of that fall popped my hip put. I had to miss a day of work. I went to work that next day and left par way through the day to go to my chiropractor. The chiropractor put my hip back in and I went back to work. I was cashiering that day so it was very uncomfortable and I just dealt with it.

Ya it hurt. Ya it was uncomfortable.i just dealt with it for that day. I can handle pain pretty good. Plus it was the 3rd time it had popped out. So it wasn’t something new I had encountered.

September 30, 2024
I have a list of things I want to do. I guess you can call it a bucket list. So here’s my list with some paragraphs in between.

Go skydiving.

Climb a volcano.

See Pompeii

Return to Germany.

Learn to drive stick shift

Be an amazing parent.

Yes, I don’t know how to drive stick. I’m a farm kid and I don’t know how to do that. It’s really kinda funny.

So my sister had a truck and dad spent hours with her in the truck driving it around the yar. He would yell and scream at her if she did something wrong as she was learning.

Well anyways Dad got a stick shift car and I had my temps. He had me try to drive it home. Ya, that didn’t happen. I stalled it twice at a light and he didn’t want to have me try it again.

But, he sold that car and bought a little Toyota truck that was awesome. No oil leaks or anything. I could drive it barely. I could do first and reverse in it. It was easier to maneuver than the lawn tractor and the trailer. So I used the truck to clean out the barn and then I would drive it to the compost pile and dump it. I would put the truck back. It surprised dad that I remembered how to do that.

I still want to learn how to drive stick. I had a friend out of state who said they would teach me. But they lived like 3 hours away and I was afraid to ask them to teach me.

I guess I was afraid to ask or say a lot of things.

I’m not afraid to say things now. Seriously I blog my little mouse heart out.

September 30, 2024

blog, bucket-list, driving, family, farm-kid, life, memories, stick-shift, writing