The quiet mouse

I am enough. That is what I hear in my heart today. It was quiet but loud.

My family and some friends might not think I’m enough. That I’m good enough.

But I’m enough. I have a God that told me that I’m enough. I’m enough for him. He loves me just the way I am. I’m uncoordinated, I’m dead in one ear. I might not speak clearly. I might dress funky. I might drag my feet a bit when I walk.

I have a God who loves me just the way I am.

I would love to be taken out on a date and taken to see a movie and a nice walk in a park with some ice cream. Maybe even a foot rubb.

If no theater then a nice couch snuggle and a movie. I enjoy couch snuggles.

I would love some affirmations. That I’m smart, beautiful and strong. I honestly don’t know when the last time I’ve heard those words from my husband was. It’s like they aren’t in his vocabulary.

I tell my daughters daily that they are smart beautiful girls. I don’t want them to feel insecure about themselves or second guess what they can do. As a mom I know what they are. Wonderful beautiful girls created by God.

I wish I would have been encouraged with affirmations like that. I struggled with wanting to be known but wanting to stay in the shadows my whole life.

I left my job because I realized that I want more than just standing at a counter all day cashing people out. I wanted a chance to move up in a company that believed that I could do it.

I know now that I can do it. That I’m worth more than what friends and family see me. I know I’m an amazing person. God made me like that.

I want to leap to the stars and learn new things. I’m trying so hard not to let people stop me. Sometimes a wall comes in front of me and I have to chip at it for a while till I can get a tunnel through it.

So I’m on my period. Yes, I’m going to mention that. It’s not a very comfortable thing for women. Right now I have painful cramping and I’m very uncomfortable. I’m also extremely tired. More than normal. I’m currently sitting with an ice pack on my belly while typing.

I made supper tonight and somehow got the my children fed and taken care of while doing it.

My husband was in another part of the house while I was doing this. No help or support on this one from him.

If he would have been cooked supper I would have been asked to manage the kids and get them fed for him.

He doesn’t like that they bug him while he cooks.

I just handled getting supper done and the girls fed tonight.

He likes to use the phrase needing a second parent to help hi.

We women are amazing. The things that get thrown at us that we can handle.

I will probably either go to bed with an ice pack or use a heating pad to help my cramping feel better.

On Tuesday I had a job interview that lasted 2 hours. I’m serious it was 2 hours. It was for a small family owned printer business. I was interviewing for the kit pack supervisor position.

Honestly I wasn’t sure what to think when I walked in. I had never been in a manufacturing business ever. It was pretty cool. I wish I could have told my dad all about it. There were printers as big as a pickup truck.

This business also put together displays for various big name companies. There whole back room was on wheels so they could reconfigure it for whatever display was in production.

I met with all 3 supervisors and I honestly walked away feeling better about myself and honestly I really wanted to learn how to do everything in the building. I’ve never felt like that before about a job.

I walked straighter and felt better that day. It’s amazing how people can change your whole perspective on the world.

I honestly hope I get this job. There’s room for me to advance and grow. My last job didn’t have that opportunity.

I’m working my butt off today. I’m trying to get my garage ready for a garage sale. I’m putting together three sets of shelving. They are cheaper than what I really wanted. They won’t hold a lot of weight. I was told since they were $20 cheaper and only take one person to build them were getting them.

I rearranged the other side of the garage and moved the heavy grills over. I had to arrange it so that we could access the grills.

I picked up 2 60lb bags of cement mix. I probably shouldn’t have but getting the boys off their butts to help us like pulling teeth.

I was told I choose the wrong side of the garage to put my stuff. As it would have been more accessible for customers.

Seriously, your going to do this now? Now that I have almost all the shelving up and items priced and on shelves. I won’t be moving anything. My side of the garage, my choice.

I find out tomorrow wether or not I get the 3rd interview with the president of the company I applied with. I have to learn CAD at this job. My husband says now that he would be a better fit for it because he has used CAD before and he’s going to apply for the same job. Seriously, why does he have to try and out do me? Why does he try and knock me down if he thinks I might succeed at something?

I’m trying to get a job that makes more money than him and would be amazing for our family. Why does he feel now that he has to find a better job? He could have done that ages ago.

Do I really threaten his masculinity by being better than him at something?

In the past two days I have had to beg, plead, and justify why I started my own business. I have had to jump through endless hoops to be able to purchase 3 more sets of shelving.

I have watched my husband grab my daughter by her arm, pull her off the couch and gently fling her away from the couch and let go. All because she refused to get off the switch and she screamed at him and kicked his controller away.

I’m questioning why I still am married to him.

I’m questioning why I didn’t react when he grabbed her like that.

Why am I not strong enough to take my girls and leave. Why can’t I keep them safe. What kind of messed up person am I? I know I need counseling. More counseling.

This is my place to vent. To write down how I feel. I don’t have to justify why I feel the way I do on these pages. I’m not being accused of trying to get out of things with excuses.

I totally understand that I’m in an abusive marriage. I just don’t know how to leave.

I don’t know how to survive on my own without him.

If some of my friends somehow stumble on this blog I pray that you don’t judge me. I hope you see why I didn’t tell you.

I didn’t think you would understand.

The girls just got out of the bath.

Were hungry.

Go to dad have him help you get some more food.

Why are you sending them to me for this? Why aren’t you doing it?

Because I’m not done with the clothes yet. I’m folding their laundry and putting it away

Why aren’t you done yet? You should be done by now.

Wait you have your phone. You got distracted.

I guess I’ll feed them while you finish.

I actually feel great today. We have bagels in the house for the first time in months. My sjogrens sometimes eating just everyday food will leave my mouth with tiny cuts all over it. Sometimes it will take weeks for it to heal. I also get a nasty metal taste that I can’t get rid of for days.

My immune suppressant medication is wonderful. I can eat things again and enjoy them. My mouth heals like it used to. I still keep little ice cream cups handy because sometimes I do need something cooler than water to soothe it.

Overall I really do feel great.

Something clicked in me when I had kids. Something fired up in my soul. I feel a fierceness that I can’t explain. A love that is totally different than before I had kids.

I don’t take crap thrown at me anymore. I don’t do bullies and I’m learning how to stand up for myself. I’m learning how to stop myself from crawling back into the safe spots. I’m learning how to stand up for myself.

But I still get stressed out. Sometimes I forget things when I’m stressed out. Today especially. But tomorrow is so much better. I can’t wait to see what it brings me.