The quiet mouse

I’m a mom. I just wish my kids wouldn’t grow up so fast. They are 4 now. Currently both are zonked out on my lap tonight. They fought over who had what space and how much space they wanted. I’m only just one person. I would love for them to be tiny again so I could snuggle them against my chest and make them feel better faster.

They are two different the most amazing kids. I’m glad I’m their mom. I’m glad God sent them to me. I might fall apart sometimes and be totally worn out but it’s worth every moment.

I get to tech them how to love, how to forgive and how to laugh. I get to teach them to have a rock solid faith in God. That God’s promises are forever and he always loves them no matter what they do or choose.

It’s Monday. What do you want to accomplish this week? What do you need prayers for?

Me I need prayers for patience. I need prayers to stay focused. I want to accomplish so much this week.

Sleep. I really need to ba able to sleep at night. My mind doesn’t shut off most nights.

I’m finally feeling better though. I have rheumatoid arthritis and I take an immune suppressant for it. I can move better and I’m not in pain as much. I can use my hands and I can open things like, bags of lettuce and jars of pickles.

I took this picture a few months ago. Well like March of this year.

I’m a Halo fan. I’m really disappointed that the show got cancelled. I hope it gets picked up by another network and gets back to tv again.

I hope it doesn’t disappear like the show Touching Evil that aired in 2004. I was out of state at the time and was counting down until season 2 came out. We didn’t have cable in the house only antenna. It sucked not getting to watch it. It originally was a British show that was remade here in the states. Yes I refer to us as in the states. Some of my closest friends live in Europe. I lived out of state with them for a year and came home with a pretty cool accent. I did visit them for 2 weeks in 2010 and came home with the accent again.

Strong Christian friends too. One of the hardest things about coming home was that I didn’t want to come home. I was safe. I wasn’t going to get gaslighted or be made to ask permission for little things. I had learned how to stop apologizing for things that really didn’t need apologizing for.

I came home and felt so lost. Like really lost. I lost my 3 best friends who had returned to different parts of Europe. I lost the group of friends we ran around with several times a week. I lost the independence that I had found. I left mentors, friends and family and I hated it.

I can still tell you when the chains got shackled back on. It was 2 weeks of being home.

I tried to find a youth group that I could go to with people my age. The one I started to go to was not very welcoming and it was a local church. Years later I found out that that specific group had a reputation for doing that to new people. It was super frustrating so I just reluctantly went back to my shell.

To be honest I have a love hate relationship with our dishwasher. It’s super super quiet which I love. One the other hand it loads funky. Oh I hate the 3rd drawer for silverware. You can fit so much more in it without it. The tines are at an angle too so things fit weird. I didn’t even get to choose it. He just asked his mom her opinion and he bought it. My thoughts and feelings in this house really don’t matter

His mom used to live here and when his grandma got sick next door she moved in with Grandma to help take care of her. Well grandma passed away and she’s living in the house she grew up in. She left everything she didn’t need in our house.

Well my husband and his guy friends lived here before we got married. We eventually bought this house from his uncle.

We’ve been living here for over 10 years. The house is still decorated from when his mom lived here. Half the basement is full of her stuff. He won’t make her remove anything. He won’t let me decorate it how I want to. Essentially this house is still hers. Decisions about changes we make all go through her. It’s ridiculous.

I’m going to be brutally honest here. Here are some things in order that scare me.

My husband. Yes I said my husband. We’ve been together over 10 years. We went on vacation to a Southern state to visit friends. A few weeks before we left we were watching an anime show in the basement. Well it jumped episodes and was going to show out of order. I just kept watching. He grabbed my head and shoved it into the back of the couch cushion and kept bouncing it deeper into the cushion. I was so caught off guard that I didn’t even fight back. I never thought he would assault me over a tv show. He later said it was all my fault and that I made him do it. I went on vacation with him and our friends a few weeks later afraid of what he might do to me. I did tell him that if he ever did anything like that to me again he wouldn’t know what would hit him. I told him that people would move faster than me and he would not be able to stand up in one piece. He’s never tried to physically assault me ever again. This man has taken to emotionally and mentally abusing me. I have been gaslighted, criticized and just dragged through the trenches mentally and emotionally by him.

The hardest thing is acting like it doesn’t bother me that he’s acting like this. He’s an ass. He’s a narcissist.

Not having control of my anxiety. I can have some pretty intense panic attacks. I’ve had them last for 45 minutes. I’ve had them to where my sense of touch is all wacko and just touching me hurts. Thank goodness for my medicine that helps me so much. I can function. I can have friends. I can walk into a social situation and not be shaking by the end.

I can honestly remember my first panic attack and I really didn’t realize what it was at the time. I was out of state for college and a group of us were hanging out at of their houses. There was like 15 or 20 people. Well they decided to shoot some targets and brought out so many guns I had never seen before. Their neighbors called the police ( neighbors didn’t like these people). The police showed up and I was terrified that we were all going to get arrested. I ended up hiding in the bushes trying to hide. I was so scared. Someone found me and convinced me to come out and be social. This is honestly one of the first times I’ve talked about this episode. I grew up around fire arms and knew gun safety. I think seeing that many made me nervous and having the police show up. The amount they had covered the tailgate of a truck into the bed. It was just between two people owning them. There were a lot of things I didn’t understand 20+ years ago. Naive farm girl here. But as an adult I understand a lot more now. But people still scare me.

As a mom one of the scariest things I can’t control is when one of my kids gets sick. I’m up every couple of hours at night taking temperatures and giving medicine.

Something happening while driving. I’ve had a few doozy things happen. Driving home on the highway from classes at a local college my breaks went completely out. I somehow remained cool and heard my dad’s voice say” you always have breaks just hit them hard and the back ones will kick in.” I got home in one piece and dad was proud, pissed, and shocked I had drove 25 minutes with no breaks and no cellphone. I was a stupid 21 year old right? He was able to fix them.

I think that’s just about it. Some places, names and events have been changed. But other things are true.

Yes, that’s what I said. It’s something that not a lot of people think about. It’s something that honestly makes people uncomfortable.

It doesn’t phase me at all.

See I grew up camping in the middle of nowhere in a podunk town that you literally blinked and missed it.

I grew up camping along a river.

I grew up fishing.

I grew up catching crawdads and somehow finding snapping turtles while swimming. That’s a story for another day.

I grew up camping at two campgrounds along the same river but different sides of it.

I was there last weekend and I still struggle a bit with seeing the water coming down the river. I don’t know it just feels wrong.

I used an outhouse all weekend. It’s honestly a portable outhouse. Not like the brick building ones at the other campground. The brick ones were sturdy and had more room to move around in them. The only downside of the brick ones were the groundhogs. They would go in and chew on the seats and benches.

Im a bit of a hillbilly girl. I would run barefoot if you let me. My hometown floods occasionally. I’m not the least anxious about it when the water starts to rise. Growing up beside a river that went over it’s banks during storms doesn’t worry me. I’m just smart enough to not get near the water. You don’t know what is lurking in it when it’s raging along.

I love being at the camper. I can sit and relax and honestly get some quiet time in.

It’s a great time to sit and pray. To get yourself calm and ready to meet the day headon.

last night i texted my sister that I needed help. I was overwhelmed and everything hit me at once. I hadn’t felt like that in almost 16 years. A long time ago I dated a guy and almost married him. I went on a downward spiral into some deep dark depths of depression. I almost killed myself. I had it all planned out and I really was going to go through with it. But then I got a phone call and hung out with some pretty awesome people.

last night I felt that dark swirling depression creeping back. I am on anxiety and depression meds. I didn’t used to be on medication like this until I married my now husband. What set me off on feeling this way yesterday was being criticized by his mom.

Ya his mom. My mother in law is a nut job. I’m saying this out loud. She terrorized me over the car seats I chose for by children before they were born. She convinced her son, my husband that they weren’t going to be suitable enough for the girls when they were born. She thought that I hadn’t done my research about them. Instead he aligned with her and we sent them back. We ended up with used car seats and stroller from one of her church friends whose family member had had twins.

This women has bullied me from day one. I was on a week of vacation in July and she wanted me to send her pictures of the girls hair done up everyday so that she knew that I could do their hair. Seriously? I might be a farm kid who is a plain Jane but I know how to do my hair and I can more than do my own kids hair.

Back to the point. My sister got me a number to our local crisis center and I spoke to an amazing counselor who helped me through my breakdown. Being a mom is hard. Being a mom with people around you that don’t believe in you and those people don’t think you are capable is even harder.

What’s even harder for me is that I told my husband about the phone call. He didn’t say anything. There was no ” I’m glad you chose to get help.” ” I’m glad you’re sister helped you”.

Support? There’s really no support in this house.

Honestly I just want to sit and cry. Sometimes I do. Only when he’s not home. I struggle with wanted to be loved. I struggle with wether or not I’m good enough. I know I’m not. It’s been made plain by him and his mom.

I’ve been told through the years that I was raised wrong. I’ve been told I was backwards. I might not wear makeup. I might not have an interest in wearing brand name clothes. I might not get my mail done or spend oodles of money on my hair.

But I do know I am amazing. I handled overnights with twin babies.

I started my own business when I was told I couldn’t run a business out of my home.

I choose to be amazing. I choose to overcome the roadblocks in front of me.