We al loose stuff. I’m still searching for a missing ring that’s been gone since spring. It’s not mine but involved my girls.
Ive turned the couches upside down and dumped out their crumb treasured.
No ring.
But we found the missing straw. A couple of wooden bees. Pom poms from a craft set. The girls were more excited about the pom poms than the bees.
The living room still isn’t put back together.
Im still missing a puzzle piece. One piece.
I think I have duct taped puzzle boxes a million times now. One of my daughters loves puzzles. We discovered that the puzzles from McDonald’s that came in the tins were interchangeable. I would mix the puzzle pieces together and she would complete the pictures. I didn’t dump all the pieces together. There were 6 pieces to a puzzle. I made separate piles of 6 pieces and she enjoyed matching the pictures and putting them together.
The other sister, well, she just liked to walk off with the pieces.
The piece that is missing for the puzzle now is about as big as my hand. So not easy to miss but somehow it is missing.
This is Rodney. He was my mom’s cat. He was cool, laid back and lovable.
There’s just one detail about him missing.
He was stupid. Yes, stupid.
He was a drop off. I can totally understand how he didn’t know about things.
He tried to stalk play my goats. He got in a fight with a raccoon. He got sprayed by a skunk. He was caught nose to nose with a ground hog.
Since he was long haired it took several skunk baths and the entire summer fo him to smell better.
He used to go to my mom and have her get his burrs and knots out.
My cat disiel hated him with a passion.
Rodney was not allowed in the house because he would pee. So he stayed outside when it was nice or in the garage.
My dad had already hurt his back by the time Rodney appeared. He was also now al alcoholic. He had a temper when he drank and it showed when sparked. He spent a lot of time on the basement couch drinking.
Several times my mom would call from work and have me sneak carry Rodney through the house and put him in the garage. I had to go down the stairs into the basement to get to the garage door.
I only managed to successfully get him into the garage once without my dad knowing.
The other times I was caught and dad would yell and scream at me. I was even kicked while rushing back up the steps from dad.
I usually sat on the couch after getting yelled at just shaking and quietly crying. I even hid behind the couch once.
I realize now that I was having panic attacks. They were not fun. They also seemed to last forever.
It was not a positive environment.
I had friends who I could have called. I had one who lived out of state and probably would have came and got me. I was too afraid to tell them what was going on. They would have driven 4 hours to find me okay finally. I would have loved to have been taken out of the house. I didn’t want to inconvenience them at all so I never told them.
plus what would I have done with my show dairy goats? What about my cat. My friend joked around about me moving back out to Indiana. I knew they were cat sensitive and I really didn’t want them to have to take Benadryl when hanging out with me. They even said they would.
I loved my dad but I hated the side of him that came out when he drank. He was a wonderful guy who enjoyed fishing and trying to build things.
But he was an alcoholic. He didn’t take his medicine like he needed to. He took whatever he wanted and he drank with it.
He was sober when he passed away. I can say that.
I know some of you reading this who know me will probably be able to piece together who people are that I talk anonymously about.
If you figure it out then yay! I’m just being honest and not involving them. They have families and have gotten careers. I’m the last person on mars that they think about.
It would be great if they knew the honest truth. I didn’t exactly keep them in the loop about things.
Im keeping the peace and just trying to heal myself. I’ve been hurt, abused and isolated. I’m breaking the chains that are keeping me in this cage.
Im setting new boundaries that will keep me and my children safe.
This is me brutally honest. I have to heal. I have to reclaim myself.
I have to do this for my children. They need a strong mom who has set boundaries and will keep them.
What a way to drag a mom down. That’s what was said to me this morning. I barely got to celebrate a tantrum free morning while getting the girls dressed. They are next door because I have a phone interview this morning.
Our mornings usually are a fight to get dressed. Miriam sometimes is agreeable and will get dressed without a fuss.
Abbie on the other hand will take her time and just lose focus you have to stay on her to get dressed.
This morning Abbie sat on my lap and I helped her get dressed while she ate her breakfast. It was great it was wonderful until we walked in next door. Miriam had a long sleeve dress on. Abbie had pants and a T-shirt on. It’s a little cooler out today. I did tell them that and they were insisting to wear what they had on.
I understand I have to be there parent. I understand I have to enforce structure and discipline.
Just let me enjoy the little winning moments. I might not be a fully prepared parent. I might not get things totally.
I do understand that I don’t live up to her expectations. It’s hard. I have to live up to my husband’s expectations and his mom’s. I’m still a first time mom. I’ll always be that. I just have the girls no other kids. My first kids. I’m still learning and figuring things out.
I have a husband who gets upset at the littlest mistake. I seriously try to do what I need to do to keep everyone happy. I just can’t anymore. I want to be happy too. I feel like I’m spinning in circles trying to keep up with things.
I went to Meijer today and got some groceries. I picked up some chicken Alfredo, Gatorade and some sushi. I totally forgot to get some hair conditioner. Ugh
I went next door to pick up my girls. I was supposed to get back by 3pm to pick them up.
My mothe-in-law asked me what I picked up for supper. I told her mac and cheese. She asked if it was just Mac and cheese and I said yes. She said that wouldn’t go over well in her house and that her husband would have to have meat with it.
I told her that just having Mac n cheese was okay and that you didn’t need anything else with it. I then was grilled about what meat we had in the house that I could add to it.
Seriously, what I bought wasn’t good enough for her. I didn’t have any extra thawed cooked meat to add to it wasn’t good enough.
I did talk to my husband about it and expressed how I wasn’t good enough for her. He said she has a narrow walk that she has with her life and if someone doesn’t fit into that narrow path then she comes down on them harder. He did agree that she comes down on me harder than some people and he would talk to her.
After 13 years of marriage I honestly don’t think he will do it. He has never stood up to his mom. Ever. Even when she called me backwards and said I was raised wrong.
I also think that my husband gaslighted me tonight.
He said I have a tendency to rewrite things in my mind that happen. Then he said that he would talk to his mom. I know he’s trying to make it seem like things didn’t happen the way they did and that I’m overreacting.
He’s said things like this before. Him and his family are one of the reasons I don’t want to have anymore kids. I honestly would love to have another child. But I don’t want it with him.
Brutal honesty there. I said it. I didn’t mind all the doctors appointments and the monitoring I had.
What I did mind was the terrorizing that his mother did to me while I was pregnant. He never stood up to her. He just let her do it. He took her side on things.
That’s why I don’t think he’ll have a talk with his mom.
I have a list of things I want to do. I guess you can call it a bucket list. So here’s my list with some paragraphs in between.
Go skydiving.
Climb a volcano.
See Pompeii
Return to Germany.
Learn to drive stick shift
Be an amazing parent.
Yes, I don’t know how to drive stick. I’m a farm kid and I don’t know how to do that. It’s really kinda funny.
So my sister had a truck and dad spent hours with her in the truck driving it around the yar. He would yell and scream at her if she did something wrong as she was learning.
Well anyways Dad got a stick shift car and I had my temps. He had me try to drive it home. Ya, that didn’t happen. I stalled it twice at a light and he didn’t want to have me try it again.
But, he sold that car and bought a little Toyota truck that was awesome. No oil leaks or anything. I could drive it barely. I could do first and reverse in it. It was easier to maneuver than the lawn tractor and the trailer. So I used the truck to clean out the barn and then I would drive it to the compost pile and dump it. I would put the truck back. It surprised dad that I remembered how to do that.
I still want to learn how to drive stick. I had a friend out of state who said they would teach me. But they lived like 3 hours away and I was afraid to ask them to teach me.
I guess I was afraid to ask or say a lot of things.
I’m not afraid to say things now. Seriously I blog my little mouse heart out.
I grew up with friends that had motorcycles. They didn’t frighten me. In fact my dad had a Norton and a triumph at one point. One of his friends sent me pictures of my dad standing beside his motorcycle.
My sister has a motorcycle and her husband does too.
I once had a friend from Indiana tell me that I needed to tell my dad to have a mid life crisis and buy another motorcycle. I thought it was funny. This guy had a motorcycle that was different than the ones my friends and family had.
Several years ago my sister was selling her motorcycle and her husband asked me if I wanted to buy it. I said I didn’t have that money for it. He told me I should have a mid life crisis and still buy it. I laughed so hard.
I didn’t honestly think I would hear that phrase twice in my life. Both from friends that I trust.
Give me a helmet and put me on a bike I’m not afraid. In fact I would love to have one. It’s just not the time or place right now.
One time while camping all the other kids had gone off to do their own things and I wasn’t included. So Doc had me grab my gear and hop on his bike with him. We went down to the back water at the campground we stayed at. I caught one of the biggest fish ever with him. The other kids showed up and were mad that I had caught a big fish. They were so mad that they didn’t catch any that day.
my hair was braided back and I don’t think I had my hat that day. I didn’t even have a helmet on. It was just a short ride to the back water.
The river we used to camp at had a spillway that has been taken out in the past 6 or so years. When we camped there the water would slow down and back up into a kind of swampy area. You could still fish it though. It looked like a a pond with lots of algae in that area.
The quiet mouse 