The quiet mouse

Today I made a decision. On Monday I told my husband of 10+ years of marriage that I was unhappy in our marriage. This has been coming for years. I told him I want to be stupid happy.

10+ years of mental, emotional and sexual abuse.

last night he asked me if I had poisoned him after the fight because he had trouble thinking, feeling or talking. Uh no.

He had hurt his back and was laying in bed. A family member had given him some medicine to help him with the pain. That is why he couldn’t do those things. The medicine had kicked in.

We decided last night that we needed couples counseling. I don’t know if he will do it. He’ll probably complain and grumble about how his sleep schedule gets messed up. If he does go and keeps going I’ll cheer.

If he goes for a bit and then quits going or just refuses then I’m going to say I’m done.

I’m done with the bullshit. I’m done with the excuses.

My car needs to get the muffler fixed on it. I went Wednesday and got quotes and parts ordered. I couldn’t go back this week and take more time off wor. I asked him to do it today.

He complained and grumbled about getting it done and losing sleep.

I lose sleep every night. I’m up with my girls during the night if they need me.

I had a friend tell me that I’m an amazing person. That I’m strong and I can certainly figure everything out. That I shouldn’t be afraid of the unknow.

When I quit my job I had this odd feeling that it was going to be okay. I felt sure of my decision. I didn’t second guess my decision until family had a fit about it.

Thats exactly how I feel about this decision.

I stuck up for myself today.

I told my husband of 10+ years I wasn’t happy. That I want to be stupid happy.

That I didn’t enjoy the disrespect. That I didn’t like the boundaries being crosse.

He tried to deflect and change the topic to how me and being a unorganized person stressed him out.

I told him that it wasn’t about that. It was about how he treats me.

How if he goes and lays down saying he needs a break from the girls that I don’t balk and set stipulations for him and his nap.

I don’t make him jump through hoops to get what he wants.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. I’ve been busy with work and family. I also was sick and that really kicked my butt. Being sick caused my rheumatoid arthritis to flare up. Some days I’m in quite a bit of pain.

I’ve been talking to a friend lately. He was my best friend for ages and we drifted apart. We haven’t seen each other in 20 years. No not anymore from voluntary service. This guy was from college.

We went from friendly chatting to actually talking about intimate stuff. It was really embarrassing because talking about being intimate is embarrassing for me. It was smut level stuff. I don’t know why I felt comfortable talking about it with him when I can’t talk about it with my husband. Maybe it’s because my husband is the one who abused me.

Something awoken in me. It was a firey obsidian feeling. I tried to fight it and I slowly gave in. I’m all the years I’ve been married I’ve never craved sex. I’ve never felt the need to jump somebody. While talking to my friend my husband walked through the door and I literally jumped him for sex. It was amazing sex.

We only talked through text so there was no actual talking.

Today my friend decided to not talk to me anymore. It feels like a rug has been pulled out from under me.

We never met in person. He has a totally different life than me.

I was encouraged to try some things and to just relax and focus. So tomorrow I’m going to try them. Or at least get the things I need to do it. It’s nothing bad. It’s just something that you could get from a pure romance party.

Yes, this post is vague. I’m trying to keep it pg18

A long time ago I used to work at a goodwill store. It was a nice store. It was honestly my second job ever.

I was trained to put out the z racks of clothing. I really enjoyed doing that. At one point I managed to get all the z racks done and had to wait for more to get done. It was fun.

Then I was trained on the cas register. When management realized that I was good at the register they assigned me to it permanently. By the end of my time there I hated it. I was good at it but I hated it. I was burned out and really didn’t want to do it.

I love my job. It’s amazing. I’m always doing something and helping someone.

Everything that has happened is because God has his hands in it. There’s no other way to describe it

How I got my job. The interview The people I work with. The kind of people and the environment is awesome

I come home feeling so much better than when I worked at the store. Mentally I’m getting stronger. I can feel it.

I’m learning that the people around me try to bring me down to their level and below them. A coworker told me that I don’t need to bring myself down to their level. That they need to bring themselves up to my level.

I have coworkers who match my level of cheeriness in the morning and throughout the day. It’s a wonderful feeling when you meet someone who has the same amount of energy as you and is a genuine person.

I want more of that.

Im done being dragged down. I’m done being second guessing.

Every decision at home has been second guessed. Being treated like I can’t do anything right

Well I bought myself a ring to wear to remind myself that I am enough.

I am enough!

Today I tried to explain to my husband that he needed to take a different approach with one of our daughters in disciplining her. He acted like he knew how to address her properly.

She had an outburst last night when we turned the TV off. She just looses herself in any screentime and it going away really affects her. She started yelling and screaming that she wanted it back on. He got in her face and started yelling at he. It really didn’t help the situation.

After he walked away I got her calmed down and got her in a better mood. I told him also that she’s fine when he’s not around. She starts to act up when he comes around. How do I explain to him that he’s the problem? How do I explain to him he needs to do things differently.

How do I keep my kids and I safe?

The other night she wasn’t helping clean up her room. He grabbed her arm so quick and swung her down the hallway with him I didn’t even know how to act. He moved so quick that she swung into the bathroom and hit the open door. She got upset with him and told him when he put her in time out. He denied it and I backed her up and told him she was telling the truth.

Im going to keep going. I’m not going to give up on my marriage just yet. I’ve said lots of things and have been extremely angry and upset with him

Im going to give it 6 more months. I’m going to sit back and let God handle this and figure it all out. We might still end up separating but I think God will decide that.

I talked to my sister this week and I realized a few things.

All the abuse that my husband has done to me has been invisible. You can’t see it. The physical assault was done so that he wouldn’t leave a mark.

The criticism and barage of making me feel not good enough is something that you can’t see.

He told me tonight that his meds aren’t able to handle everything that I do to him.

Medicine isn’t meant to handle everything. You also need to seek professional help. They can give you more tools for you to work on at home to strengthen yourself to work beside the medicine that you already take.

When I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression I went to a counselor to learn how to ground myself and to stay calm in situations. It proved it worth time after time.

Standing at a cash register and dealing with customers and just letting them say what they need to say and vent. My coworkers would comment that some of the things people would say to me would make them angry and wondered how I could take it.

Most of the time I was inwardly appalled at what customers would spew out of their mouths. I just let them say it and they went along their merry way.

I think that’s why I stayed at that job for so long. I just let things spew and not bother me until boom it did.

Whem I finally had enough I put my notice in and left. Now I’m starting a job that I know I can thrive in.

All of this is only possible because God made it possible. He’s opened and shut doors so fast that it could only have been him doing it.