The quiet mouse

If I’ve reached out to you in the past year it’s because God had a message for me to tell you. God loves you and always love There’s a story to tell. God wants me to tell you that I’m the story. He’s taken me from a broken down girl into the amazing mom that I’ve become.

I’m sorry if I’ve become that sore spot. What started out with Making sure someone was okay turned into me wanting to tell God’s story. God’s story not my story.

I’ve prayed about things and as of this moment I’ve found my tribe. There’s people I’ve reached out to many many times extending a hand of friendship. That hand isn’t extended anymore. I will pray for these people but not extend friendship.

They will remain post less. I will not talk about them and they will fade into the deep reaches of memo

kinda like the pile that joy made in inside out 2. Lost in the far reaches of the mind. What I heard tonight was evil pure evil.

I had been texting and emailing a friend that I was sure had blocked me. His wife called me at 3 am asking me whoi kept reaching out to her husband. I didn’t believe what he had said to me that she was insecure and jealous. I heard something not nice. Don’t worry I won’t ever reach out. Not even in friendship.

Going through some abuse I may have sent some things about being unhappy and just not wanting to be married anymore. Venting my heart out to someone who I thought was safe basically.

Yep nope.no more. I deleted them and blocked the number faster than eve

My husband is home on the weekends. The criticism and bereting go up a notch on the weekends.

The air of not being good enough is felt

I hear from him that he doesn’t feel good.

Well, if he would quit jacking around his medicine he would feel better. This is every weekend now.

Its not my fault he screws with his medicine. I don’t even try to tell him how he’s supposed to take it. He’s a full grown man.

He’s messing with his own mental health.

How much more of this do I need to take.

I hate weekends

We’re working on an exit plan for me and my girls. It’s going to take a year at most to accomplish.

If you are one of my friend’s who know about this blog and reads this please pray for me and my girls.

My girls deserve better. I deserve better. They don’t need to see their mom being treated like what happens.

In all honesty I don’t know if I would ever want another relationship with anyone after what I have been through so far. Maybe if it was someone that I knew and trusted that wouldn’t hurt me. But I would still be wary.

So if you are reading this please pray for me. Cheer me on. Cry with me. Hug me if you know me.

The other day my mother in law came over and we turned over and swapped out the girls summer clothes for more warmer clothes.

I still had some of the clothes to finish sorting. I go those done. Today she came over to discuss my new job starting times and surprisingly criticized the fact that the living room wasn’t cleaned up.

I have two kids. They are 4. They play hard and I enjoy them playing. Of course the house might get messy. They are kids. Some days I might get just the dishes done or a load of clothes put away.

First off I’m mad at the disrespect that I get in my house. They are a guest in my house. I never would speak to someone like that in their house. Seriously. It’s like she still owns the house. She even talks to me like that in house when I am the guest there.

I Don’t know if it’s the way I was raised but I wouldn’t dream of talking to someone like that while I was a guest in their house.

This is how crazy his mom is. I’m not good enough so she has to find something to attack me about in my house.

I’m not sure what to say anymore.

I hate living in this house that is still painted and decorated like when she lived here. It still has her furniture in a 1/4 of the basement. The other kitchen still has her stuff in it too. Ugh

I can’t bring it up with my husband or his mom. It’s a touchy subject. He’ll take a box or two up to her a few times a year for her to do something with. It’s been 13 freaking year of this. You would think that it would be gone by now. Nope not yet

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I think people like my husband figure out what is awkward about you and try and make it seem worse so you feel worse about yourself when they exploit it.

There’s no consent and no permission for things that they do to you. They try to take away your dignity and just let you suffer in the feeling of dirt and Grime.

I do not like being touched sometimes. Especially when it’s personal intimate areas. Those areas need permission. It doesn’t matter if your married or not you still need consent.

I’m going to be brutally honest and adult here. I don’t like having my boobs touched without permission. I’ve had hands go down my shirt or up it without me wanting that kind of touch. I’ve been at family gatherings and had a hand sneakily go after my boobs with people in the room. I feel it’s disrespectful.

It might not be to others but to me it is.

I enjoy sleeping alone right now. I don’t enjoy sleeping with my husband. I hate having a hand on my boobs while he’s in bed. If I move it I get grumbled at.

Don’t start the whole one flesh argument. That is for major intimate times. I hate it when it’s used to say that your spouse is your property and therefore their books and vagina are yours too do as they want.

Seriously?

I have had other adult things happen that I might discuss someday. Those things are things that have seriously crossed boundaries and never got apologies for.

It doesn’t matter if you are married or not your significant other still deserves your respect and needs to be treated with dignity and love.

I wrote my first short devotional and sent it out to friends. Eeek!! I’m super nervous about it. I’ve never done anything like this.

I sent it out to 8 friends. I’m still waiting on hearing back from more of them. Two of them are my pastors. It makes me kinda nervous to send something like that out to them.

We will see how it goes.

I’m still so nervous about it.

Im sorry I really haven’t posted today. Today was amazing though.

I had some really good shrimp tacos.

I found some shirts to wear for my new job.

I visited with former coworkers.

I got the girls clothes sorted and pulled for the next season with help.

I’m slowly trying to get ideas and plans laid for when our voluntary service reunion happens next year. I have some crazy ideas. I also have some hopes and dreams for it too.

Today was okay. The girls have been great.

I took them nextdoor so I could get some errands done. The were dressed for warmer weather and it was a bit cool today. It was just a quick walk across the yard so it didn’t bother them much

.One of my daughters had on a foofly tulle skirt under her dress.

I made the comment that her outfit was a bit different and that she seemed to like the poofy that it gave her.

Well, apparently I’m going to get my children made fun of in school for how they dress. That I need to learn what they can wear at home and what is appropriate for going out. Especially for school.

Yes kids can be cruel. I learned that all too well. My sister even helped with that process.

Anyways I guess I have to now fight them to get them dressed appropriately. Tomorrow my mother in law is coming over to help go through the clothes and we’re pulling everything that is short sleeve so that I don’t inappropriately dress them again.

I hate this I get judged for how I dress my girls by my mother in law. This is ridiculous.

i know I was raised a little bit oddly and I camped with people who were awesome. I still was raised with amazing morals and values.

They road motorcycles and fished.

Im a plain girl. I’d rather be in jeans and a T-shirt. I don’t wear makeup except for special occasions. I do own a handful of dress clothes. I just don’t think having the latest hair and nail trend is worth it.

God sees through all that and can view our hearts.

Something has been in my heart. Who is my tribe? Who is going to surround me with love, and help guide me? Am I hanging out with like minded people? Are they Christians?

I have to rebuild my tribe up. I’ve been away from people for ages. I’ve been isolated. It’s getting to the point where I can’t breathe in it.

I want to be loved. I want encouragement as a mom. I want encouragement from my husband. I want surrounded by positive family.

I say that a lot in these blogs.

I’ve been not wanting to reveal my face. This girl walked up to me and wanted snuggles. This is her snuggles.

This is mittens. She’s 11 and weighs 16+ pounds.

Shes not the brightest cat in the house

When I was pregnant she would lay on my belly and purr.

When we brought the girls home she slept in front of the nursery door earning the nickname nursery guardian.

We had baby monitors in the nursery. She would come wake me before I would hear the girls.

Today she lurks in the kitchen hiding under the table. She pops out and comes to get petted.

She’s very loud when she wants something.

Shes good buddies with Hoshi who is another cat we have.

She only goes outside with supervision. She has been known to disappear and not come home for hours.

Shes very needy at night. She gets very insistent that she gets attention at bedtime.

For the most part I usually just stick to what I know works and what I like. I stay in the crayon lines.

When I was in Voluntary service I did something that was a little unusual for me.

I dyed my hair. It was red. I loved it.

I went home on break and didn’t tell my family about it.

While I was home we got family pictures taken. My dad refused to join in.

So it was my mom, my sister and I. We all had dyed hair. My mom had blonde hair. My sister had black hair and I had red.

It was kinda funny.

I kept my hair red for a while and let it grow out and just return to normal.

I’m about ready to do it again. I have 2 boxes sitting in my closet.

That was me stepping out of the box.

The people I lived with were adventurous and not afraid of trying new things. I was just a quiet farm girl who really didn’t know a lot of things.

Im still that farm girl. I just don’t like the city that much.