The quiet mouse

This is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I still can’t believe I am blogging.

I’ve only told three people directly about this site. The three people I choose to trust not to tell mass amounts of people including my husband and his family.

If him and his family found out about this it would get shut down in a heart beat. I feel like I’m already isolated it would be even more so.

I have things and places I don’t want them to have access to.

This is one of them.

The campground is another. He would find a reason for the outing to be horrible and not want us to go back again. I feel God’s presence there so strongly sometimes. His mom has already commented about how she’s not sure if she could ever go there because we use outhouses. Good grief.

Where I did my voluntary service is another place. It’s one of the only few places I have felt safe. Yes safe. I wasn’t picked on, I wasn’t belittled, I wasn’t criticized for being me or not doing things the instant I was asked.

I was with people who loved, cared and helped me be stronger.

There i said it. I felt safe there. Not in my home growing up, not in the house I’m in now. Just there.

It’s night now and my husband is at work and I’m rewatching Reacher and blogging my heart out. He’s at work. I get the bed to myself. I get to be snuggled by the cats. I get to take care of my girls in the night. I feel safe at this moment. I get to pass that on to my kids in the middle of the night.

I’m there when they have nightmare. I’m there when they need a drink of water. I’m there when they have a late night bathroom run that doesn’t end well. I’m an amazing parent.

But honestly this bed isn’t big enough for me and two cats. Gotta set boundaries with the cats too.

I did a thing. I quit my job several weeks ago. I did it without any planning. I turned in my 2 weeks notice and left. I’m not worried about it. I’m home with my girls. I’m getting things done. I’m taking care of myself better than I did while working.

I jumped with both feet in the water on this one.

I’m usually all nervous and second guessing about everything. This one had none of that. No nervous feeling no second guessing. I was totally okay with my decision. I’m not totally sure how that happened. I just honestly let go and am letting God handle it now.

Jumping with both feet in the water. I really haven’t applied that phrase to my life in years. It was taught to me while I was in Voluntary service. A scared 19 year old girl who apologized for everything even things that didn’t need apologizing for.

Somehow 20 years later those lessons are coming up and I’m applying them to my life. I’m setting boundaries and applying them. I’m making decisions about things and not being afraid.

I just want to hug 19 year old me. I want to tell her that she’ll go through darkness and fire and find herself an amazing woman. I want to tell her that life is an amazing adventure and to just go with it.

God has an amazing plan for each of us. He’s got some awesome lessons in store for us. Each one of us is so important and we can make a difference in the world.

I tell my girls all the time that no matter who they meet they should treat them with love, respect and dignity.

I

What can I say. It’s a great show. I’ve only seen season 1 and it was awesome.

The show is so much better than the Tom Cruise Reacher movies.

But then again I’m not a big Tom Cruise fan.

Someone special to me would have been 70 last month. My dad. I miss him so much. He passed away before my girls were born.

He would have loved my girls.

He taught me how to check the oil in my car. How to change a tire. He taught me how to change the sheer pin in the cub cadet lawn mower.

He taught me how to stack hay in the barn loft. How to put coolant in my car. How to drive the pickup with a load of hay on the back.

He helped me get things ready for the fair. He helped me set up for friends coming over.

I spent countless hours with him helping to fix something or build something. I helped him bleed the breaks on multiple cars.

I miss that.

I miss my dad.

Im a book worm. I have a small Library in my bedroom. Some of the books I have are the Harry Potter Series, The Green Rider series, Dragonriders of Pern and The Eragon book series.

The Harry Potter books are great. I really enjoyed reading them. I also have them on audiobooks so I can listen to them while I drive.

The Greenriders series is good. At least the first two or three books. I honestly don’t like it when books jump to a different character and start another story within the book. I know it is part of storytelling but it’s frustrating.

Dragon Riders of Pern. Amazing classics by Anne McCaffrey. These book take you into an amazing world of dragons and their partners. The ones by Anne McCaffrey herself are the best. Now her son and daughter have taken over the Pern world. Her son’s writing is not my style at all. I have to pass those books up.

The Eragon books personally are to long drawn out for me.

I have recently listened to Fourth Wing and Iron flame. Both really good books. I started with the dramatization of the book. It got to the point where the background noise they had really bothered me. I had to switch to the regular reading version of the books. I’m looking forward to Onyx Storm. Beware though that these books have adult language and adult scenes.

So a really good book on audio is Project Hail Mary. I really liked it. My husband recommended it to me and I have listened to it several times.

I have rheumatoid arthritis. These days are pretty good right now. I can move and I don’t have as much pain as I did. I’m taking an immune suppressant to help me. I was scared at first but I’m okay with it now

I also have tremors. Mostly in my face and head. The people around me on a regular basis know that it’s a normal thing that happens to me. It’s not seizures. That has been thoroughly checked out by my neurologist.

It’s kinda crazy but the thing that helps with my tremors is a beta blocker. Crazy right. It’s also used in the treatment of anxiety.

My neurologist did an MRI and found nothing major. I have had several MRIs through the years so I kinda knew what would pop up. One of the things I knew about was the damage from several concussions I’ve had through the years. We figured out that I have had at least 3 if not 4 concussions. My neurologist thinks that the scar tissue from them is what is causing my tremors. Which totally makes sense. I’m okay with it. It’s just something that has happened and my body is try to process it and sometimes I get tremors from it

I usually get a headache after the tremors stop and my balance will be wonky.

Sometimes I’ll get up in the middle of the night and use the bathroom. I’ll know right away if I’ve had tremors while sleeping because my balance will be off.

Overall it hasn’t caused me major problems so I have just wrapped it into things that happen to me that are weird.

It’s not something that I’m worried about or I frett about. I’ve kinda just let go and let God handle this one.

I’m going to break all the rules

I’m not allowed to have guy friends

I can’t be in the same room with a guy that isn’t my husband.

I can’t run a business out of my home.

I won’t be successful.

I’m too backwards.

I was raised wrong.

My kids have a be dressed cute for preschool.

They have to look cute

We can’t stay in our PJs all day.

I’m not organized enough.

I load the dishwasher wrong.

I choose to be me.

I choose to load the dishwasher however I want.

I choose how to dress my girls and how their hair will look.

I choose to stand up for myself and my girls.

I choose to not wear a bra and stay in my pj’s because I feel comfortable in them that day.

I choose to have friends you don’t want me to be friends with.

I don’t want your friends to be the only people I am around.

I choose to not be isolated.

I want to succeed.

I will overcome.

I’m a mom. I just wish my kids wouldn’t grow up so fast. They are 4 now. Currently both are zonked out on my lap tonight. They fought over who had what space and how much space they wanted. I’m only just one person. I would love for them to be tiny again so I could snuggle them against my chest and make them feel better faster.

They are two different the most amazing kids. I’m glad I’m their mom. I’m glad God sent them to me. I might fall apart sometimes and be totally worn out but it’s worth every moment.

I get to tech them how to love, how to forgive and how to laugh. I get to teach them to have a rock solid faith in God. That God’s promises are forever and he always loves them no matter what they do or choose.

It’s Monday. What do you want to accomplish this week? What do you need prayers for?

Me I need prayers for patience. I need prayers to stay focused. I want to accomplish so much this week.

Sleep. I really need to ba able to sleep at night. My mind doesn’t shut off most nights.

I’m finally feeling better though. I have rheumatoid arthritis and I take an immune suppressant for it. I can move better and I’m not in pain as much. I can use my hands and I can open things like, bags of lettuce and jars of pickles.

I took this picture a few months ago. Well like March of this year.

I’m a Halo fan. I’m really disappointed that the show got cancelled. I hope it gets picked up by another network and gets back to tv again.

I hope it doesn’t disappear like the show Touching Evil that aired in 2004. I was out of state at the time and was counting down until season 2 came out. We didn’t have cable in the house only antenna. It sucked not getting to watch it. It originally was a British show that was remade here in the states. Yes I refer to us as in the states. Some of my closest friends live in Europe. I lived out of state with them for a year and came home with a pretty cool accent. I did visit them for 2 weeks in 2010 and came home with the accent again.

Strong Christian friends too. One of the hardest things about coming home was that I didn’t want to come home. I was safe. I wasn’t going to get gaslighted or be made to ask permission for little things. I had learned how to stop apologizing for things that really didn’t need apologizing for.

I came home and felt so lost. Like really lost. I lost my 3 best friends who had returned to different parts of Europe. I lost the group of friends we ran around with several times a week. I lost the independence that I had found. I left mentors, friends and family and I hated it.

I can still tell you when the chains got shackled back on. It was 2 weeks of being home.

I tried to find a youth group that I could go to with people my age. The one I started to go to was not very welcoming and it was a local church. Years later I found out that that specific group had a reputation for doing that to new people. It was super frustrating so I just reluctantly went back to my shell.