The quiet mouse

The ZZZZ s

A long time ago I used to work at a goodwill store. It was a nice store. It was honestly my second job ever.

I was trained to put out the z racks of clothing. I really enjoyed doing that. At one point I managed to get all the z racks done and had to wait for more to get done. It was fun.

Then I was trained on the cas register. When management realized that I was good at the register they assigned me to it permanently. By the end of my time there I hated it. I was good at it but I hated it. I was burned out and really didn’t want to do it.

February 9, 2025
I love my job. It’s amazing. I’m always doing something and helping someone.

Everything that has happened is because God has his hands in it. There’s no other way to describe it

How I got my job. The interview The people I work with. The kind of people and the environment is awesome

I come home feeling so much better than when I worked at the store. Mentally I’m getting stronger. I can feel it.

I’m learning that the people around me try to bring me down to their level and below them. A coworker told me that I don’t need to bring myself down to their level. That they need to bring themselves up to my level.

I have coworkers who match my level of cheeriness in the morning and throughout the day. It’s a wonderful feeling when you meet someone who has the same amount of energy as you and is a genuine person.

I want more of that.

Im done being dragged down. I’m done being second guessing.

Every decision at home has been second guessed. Being treated like I can’t do anything right

Well I bought myself a ring to wear to remind myself that I am enough.

I am enough!

November 27, 2024
My uncle was an alcoholic. It was pretty bad. I never saw him sober. He lived with my grandma. I can remember him yelling and screaming at us kids when we did something wrong. He used to scare my timid grandma. She would give him money when he asked for it. She would bail him out of jail. She would find him jobs and he would lose them after a few weeks. She put him through rehab only to have him get drunk when he got out.

We lived down the road from her. Walking distance. She usually walked down and visited us when he did something she didn’t like or it was totally stupid.

She would pray that God would change him. But God had other plan. She eventually had to go in a nursing home someplace that people could take care of her better than family could Someplace that was all one floor. Someplace that she could eat better than she did at home.

My uncle went to visit her once. He wasn’t allowed to drive because well, he lost his license permanently because of multiple DUI’s and he just never went to get it back.

He tried to get money from grandma in the nursing home. It didn’t go over well. My parents had her purse and money and everything locked down so he couldn’t get any money.

My uncle was upset about it and so was my grandma. It was just how it needed to be.

Now as an adult I see that God didn’t change my uncle he gave my uncle the opportunity to change and the free will to decide what he wanted to do. God actually changed the circumstances around my grandma and made her change a positive one.

I’m not sure how many people would think of it like that. God answers prayers how he sees fit. He answers the best way and things for us. The past year has been filled with ups and downs for me.

Ive finally decided to root myself firmly in my faith. I have an amazing God that is powerful, loving faithful and true.

I have things and decisions that I have to make. I’m trying to turn them over to God one at a time. It’s really hard to do.

Im scared about what is going to happen if I make one of those decisions that I need to make. I don’t know what will happen or how things will play out. It’s hard to trust and put faith all in.

A friend once told me that I have to jump with both feet in the water to do something. I have to do that with my faith in God what he’s going to do.

October 27, 2024

bible, faith, family, god, jesus, strength
Today I tried to explain to my husband that he needed to take a different approach with one of our daughters in disciplining her. He acted like he knew how to address her properly.

She had an outburst last night when we turned the TV off. She just looses herself in any screentime and it going away really affects her. She started yelling and screaming that she wanted it back on. He got in her face and started yelling at he. It really didn’t help the situation.

After he walked away I got her calmed down and got her in a better mood. I told him also that she’s fine when he’s not around. She starts to act up when he comes around. How do I explain to him that he’s the problem? How do I explain to him he needs to do things differently.

How do I keep my kids and I safe?

The other night she wasn’t helping clean up her room. He grabbed her arm so quick and swung her down the hallway with him I didn’t even know how to act. He moved so quick that she swung into the bathroom and hit the open door. She got upset with him and told him when he put her in time out. He denied it and I backed her up and told him she was telling the truth.

October 27, 2024
We al loose stuff. I’m still searching for a missing ring that’s been gone since spring. It’s not mine but involved my girls.

Ive turned the couches upside down and dumped out their crumb treasured.

No ring.

But we found the missing straw. A couple of wooden bees. Pom poms from a craft set. The girls were more excited about the pom poms than the bees.

The living room still isn’t put back together.

Im still missing a puzzle piece. One piece.

I think I have duct taped puzzle boxes a million times now. One of my daughters loves puzzles. We discovered that the puzzles from McDonald’s that came in the tins were interchangeable. I would mix the puzzle pieces together and she would complete the pictures. I didn’t dump all the pieces together. There were 6 pieces to a puzzle. I made separate piles of 6 pieces and she enjoyed matching the pictures and putting them together.

The other sister, well, she just liked to walk off with the pieces.

The piece that is missing for the puzzle now is about as big as my hand. So not easy to miss but somehow it is missing.

October 12, 2024

jigsaw-puzzle, jigsaw-puzzles, life, puzzle, puzzles
Im going to keep going. I’m not going to give up on my marriage just yet. I’ve said lots of things and have been extremely angry and upset with him

Im going to give it 6 more months. I’m going to sit back and let God handle this and figure it all out. We might still end up separating but I think God will decide that.

October 12, 2024
I talked to my sister this week and I realized a few things.

All the abuse that my husband has done to me has been invisible. You can’t see it. The physical assault was done so that he wouldn’t leave a mark.

The criticism and barage of making me feel not good enough is something that you can’t see.

He told me tonight that his meds aren’t able to handle everything that I do to him.

Medicine isn’t meant to handle everything. You also need to seek professional help. They can give you more tools for you to work on at home to strengthen yourself to work beside the medicine that you already take.

When I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression I went to a counselor to learn how to ground myself and to stay calm in situations. It proved it worth time after time.

Standing at a cash register and dealing with customers and just letting them say what they need to say and vent. My coworkers would comment that some of the things people would say to me would make them angry and wondered how I could take it.

Most of the time I was inwardly appalled at what customers would spew out of their mouths. I just let them say it and they went along their merry way.

I think that’s why I stayed at that job for so long. I just let things spew and not bother me until boom it did.

Whem I finally had enough I put my notice in and left. Now I’m starting a job that I know I can thrive in.

All of this is only possible because God made it possible. He’s opened and shut doors so fast that it could only have been him doing it.

October 12, 2024
If I’ve reached out to you in the past year it’s because God had a message for me to tell you. God loves you and always love There’s a story to tell. God wants me to tell you that I’m the story. He’s taken me from a broken down girl into the amazing mom that I’ve become.

I’m sorry if I’ve become that sore spot. What started out with Making sure someone was okay turned into me wanting to tell God’s story. God’s story not my story.

I’ve prayed about things and as of this moment I’ve found my tribe. There’s people I’ve reached out to many many times extending a hand of friendship. That hand isn’t extended anymore. I will pray for these people but not extend friendship.

They will remain post less. I will not talk about them and they will fade into the deep reaches of memo

kinda like the pile that joy made in inside out 2. Lost in the far reaches of the mind. What I heard tonight was evil pure evil.

I had been texting and emailing a friend that I was sure had blocked me. His wife called me at 3 am asking me whoi kept reaching out to her husband. I didn’t believe what he had said to me that she was insecure and jealous. I heard something not nice. Don’t worry I won’t ever reach out. Not even in friendship.

Going through some abuse I may have sent some things about being unhappy and just not wanting to be married anymore. Venting my heart out to someone who I thought was safe basically.

Yep nope.no more. I deleted them and blocked the number faster than eve

October 12, 2024
I hate weekends.

My husband is home on the weekends. The criticism and bereting go up a notch on the weekends.

The air of not being good enough is felt

I hear from him that he doesn’t feel good.

Well, if he would quit jacking around his medicine he would feel better. This is every weekend now.

Its not my fault he screws with his medicine. I don’t even try to tell him how he’s supposed to take it. He’s a full grown man.

He’s messing with his own mental health.

How much more of this do I need to take.

I hate weekends

October 11, 2024
We’re working on an exit plan for me and my girls. It’s going to take a year at most to accomplish.

If you are one of my friend’s who know about this blog and reads this please pray for me and my girls.

My girls deserve better. I deserve better. They don’t need to see their mom being treated like what happens.

In all honesty I don’t know if I would ever want another relationship with anyone after what I have been through so far. Maybe if it was someone that I knew and trusted that wouldn’t hurt me. But I would still be wary.

So if you are reading this please pray for me. Cheer me on. Cry with me. Hug me if you know me.

October 11, 2024