The quiet mouse

I walked another 2 miles. No husband and no kids.. just me. Just me.

My playlist

Summer dances by Brian balmages

The wellerman song

Vahalla calling

Diggy Diggy Hole

Over the rainbow ( grandma and dad I miss you so much)

This old house.

Secret Garden dream catcher

helelujan

hoist the colors

oh brother where are thou

jurassic park

various drum cadences

halo sound track

oceans

A long time ago I stepped into the bog of eternal stench. I couldn’t smell it or feel myself sinking into it. I was stuck.

I had some friends who waded into that bog and pulled me out. They cleaned me up listened to my sorrows and held me as I recovered. I was told I would become something that people don’t expect.

Last year sitting along the river enjoying some soul filling peace I decided to finally become what people don’t expect.

They don’t expect a quiet mouse girl.

I didn’t expect to have twins. But it transformed me into an amazing person.

I didn’t expect to get a job that made me want more than what I join life.

I didn’t expect to find coworkers who are running with me to hit my goals.

I didn’t expect any of it. But God did.

How do I explain this.

How do I accept that I just might be a horrible person.

I admit I I’m having an emotional affair. It’s with a friend I’ve known for 20 years. We dated for a while.

He knows the hell that my husband has put me through the past 10+ years.

He’s encouraged me to work through my insecurities on my own.

There’s no 20 question interrogation about the epitome root cause of why I don’t like or want to do something.

He’s choosing to celebrate the little wins with me.

He’s mad sure that I understand that I’m more than good enough for anyone.

If I say I don’t like something he’s okay with what answer I give him.

Its a relief to be treated equally and like a human.

like I matter and my choices matter.

I made 12 dozen cookies today. I’ve never ever made that many ever.

I was up early today. I’ve been going all day.

I danced and sang while making cookies.

I danced like I used to in college.

I made a mystery candy bar cookie.

I bought 5th candy bars. 7 of them. It took a bit extra to get the dough how I wanted it.

They turned out amazing.

I have enough cookies for tomorrow at work. The people I spend my day with are important to me. So they deserve homemade cookies.

I couldn’t sleep anymore. One of the girls was curled up right next to me. I was locked into a space and I really needed to move. So I got up.

I have accomplished so much this morning already. Is this with feels like to be successful a bit? I’m only on three meds. Today I feel like I’m on top of my game.

There is so much more I want to get done today before my children whirlwind the house.

There is some more more I need to do before I get distracted and consumed by my phone.

Before he is awake and wanting to talk to me.

I need all this time. It’s time to go.

My husband asked me last night if I wanted to do couples counseling or if I was ready to be done.

A big part of me screamed to be done.

Then there was a little voice that said to fight.

I choose that little voice. I was taught to fight for what I want.

Ya. It’s not really what I want to fight for.

I found something and I fell in love with it all over again. I really don’t want to lose it. I lost it 20 years ago because I chose to listen to what other people were saying and they convinced me to let go.

Holy hell I really regretted that choice for a long time.

Here I am hoping and praying that they choose to fight.

Fight damnit fight

Well, he did it. He found a way to ruin and destroy something I liked and was enjoying.

The honest truth. I told him that I was having an emotional affair with a friend. I was enjoying it honestly. The guy had been one of my best friends in college and had never tried to hurt me on purpose.

It was safe and I didn’t have to give up anything sexual. I never felt dirty or had my dignity compromised.

My friend is a very private person and just doesn’t shovel out personal facts like candy.

So my husband decided that being a private person was a red flag. That actually going no contact with family was a red flag.

I told my friend about what my husband was saying and he decided that we needed to stop what we were doing so I wouldn’t get hurt.

Get hurt? I already am. I have feelings for him that I told him he couldn’t have for me.

He knows how I feel. I was brutally honest about it with him.

Im pissed at my husband for finding a way to ruin something I was enjoying yet again.

I felt sexy, I felt confident. I felt amazing. I somehow have to figure out how to hold onto those feelings and not let them disappear.

Ya a mountain I have to traverse.

I told my husband we need couples counseling.

Today I made a decision. On Monday I told my husband of 10+ years of marriage that I was unhappy in our marriage. This has been coming for years. I told him I want to be stupid happy.

10+ years of mental, emotional and sexual abuse.

last night he asked me if I had poisoned him after the fight because he had trouble thinking, feeling or talking. Uh no.

He had hurt his back and was laying in bed. A family member had given him some medicine to help him with the pain. That is why he couldn’t do those things. The medicine had kicked in.

We decided last night that we needed couples counseling. I don’t know if he will do it. He’ll probably complain and grumble about how his sleep schedule gets messed up. If he does go and keeps going I’ll cheer.

If he goes for a bit and then quits going or just refuses then I’m going to say I’m done.

I’m done with the bullshit. I’m done with the excuses.

My car needs to get the muffler fixed on it. I went Wednesday and got quotes and parts ordered. I couldn’t go back this week and take more time off wor. I asked him to do it today.

He complained and grumbled about getting it done and losing sleep.

I lose sleep every night. I’m up with my girls during the night if they need me.

I had a friend tell me that I’m an amazing person. That I’m strong and I can certainly figure everything out. That I shouldn’t be afraid of the unknow.

When I quit my job I had this odd feeling that it was going to be okay. I felt sure of my decision. I didn’t second guess my decision until family had a fit about it.

Thats exactly how I feel about this decision.

I stuck up for myself today.

I told my husband of 10+ years I wasn’t happy. That I want to be stupid happy.

That I didn’t enjoy the disrespect. That I didn’t like the boundaries being crosse.

He tried to deflect and change the topic to how me and being a unorganized person stressed him out.

I told him that it wasn’t about that. It was about how he treats me.

How if he goes and lays down saying he needs a break from the girls that I don’t balk and set stipulations for him and his nap.

I don’t make him jump through hoops to get what he wants.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. I’ve been busy with work and family. I also was sick and that really kicked my butt. Being sick caused my rheumatoid arthritis to flare up. Some days I’m in quite a bit of pain.

I’ve been talking to a friend lately. He was my best friend for ages and we drifted apart. We haven’t seen each other in 20 years. No not anymore from voluntary service. This guy was from college.

We went from friendly chatting to actually talking about intimate stuff. It was really embarrassing because talking about being intimate is embarrassing for me. It was smut level stuff. I don’t know why I felt comfortable talking about it with him when I can’t talk about it with my husband. Maybe it’s because my husband is the one who abused me.

Something awoken in me. It was a firey obsidian feeling. I tried to fight it and I slowly gave in. I’m all the years I’ve been married I’ve never craved sex. I’ve never felt the need to jump somebody. While talking to my friend my husband walked through the door and I literally jumped him for sex. It was amazing sex.

We only talked through text so there was no actual talking.

Today my friend decided to not talk to me anymore. It feels like a rug has been pulled out from under me.

We never met in person. He has a totally different life than me.

I was encouraged to try some things and to just relax and focus. So tomorrow I’m going to try them. Or at least get the things I need to do it. It’s nothing bad. It’s just something that you could get from a pure romance party.

Yes, this post is vague. I’m trying to keep it pg18