The quiet mouse

Well, I guess craftsman isn’t included or black and Decker. I come from one of those obscure houses that were once big names and powerful.

My dad used to have grape vines. At times we had to replace some of the boards for the vines to climb on. I can remember trying to hold his Craftsman cordless drill above my head and it was so heavy. I didn’t have that strength to hold it up for as long as he could.

A few years later I was cleaning out the goat barn and needed to get the cordless drill again. One of the doors on the bard was screwed shut and we only opened it to clean the barn.

Anyways I used the drill to open the door like I was supposed to. I talked to him about it afterwards and he said he had bought another drill that was newer and wasn’t as heavy.

At work we used Ryobi. I really like the Ryobi products. Their lawnmower is pretty cool. The batteries can be swapped between the tools easily. The only one that I think is different is the mower battery.

This is so hard to do. I’m that weird awkward person who doesn’t know how to handle social situations. Honestly I really like to just people watch. I’m still needing to stay a wallflower. It’s safer that way.

In highschool I was definitely a wallflower. I didn’t want to be seen. I joined bank in blended in with blue and white ( school colors)

In voluntary service I felt like I was a third or fourth wing. With two girls from Germany and one from Canada everything was more interesting than me.

We went out with friends and sometimes i felt like I wasn’t even supposed to be there. Like the others would have more fun without me.

It’s just something I have always struggled with.

One of the things I’m trying to instill in my girls is that they are beautiful, strong, and amazing girls who will turn into a woman that can handle anything.

I just wish those things were instilled in me at their age.

I guess I’m trying to break a cycle of insecurities.

I struggle to walk into places and have the confidence to know that I’m good enough.

At family functions on my side I really feel awkward and just out of place. Sometimes I just don’t want to stay any longer than I have to. I think it’s the people, how they talk to me and treat me. I can’t even go camping without doing something wrong and hearing about it. I’m not perfect and they really enjoy rubbing it in.

ugh okay I’ll stop.

I have a friend. I’ve mentioned them here in a few posts. Because of circumstances they have me blocked on their phone. They are currently not able to maintain a friendship with me because their wife is jealous and insecure.

I really don’t care. I guess I do but I don’t. I still treat them like they are in the group of people I keep up with regularly. They get pictures of me and my girls and pictures of the cats. Yes, I’m a cat person.

If something happens that they decided to unblock my number then they will hopefully find all the insanity that is my life.

They won’t though. But it would be funny if they would answer.

I’m not totally sure what I would do if they answered. I really couldn’t jump through the phone and hug the. They were one of my best friends for ages.

I just don’t leave my people. I don’t like to. I think I spent to much time in the barn with my goats growing up. If you’re part of my herd then you’re welcome back. We stick together.

Ya that doesn’t work like that. Life is messier and rougher. It’s like a pack of wolves that leave the oldest weakest members in the back.

Nope not how I was raised.

I have friends I haven’t seen in ages and I love that we can pick back up right where we left off.

But if this person would appear would I be able to just act like that and pick up where we left off. I don’t even know where we left off.

I guess I’m angry. Angry that I’m in an abusive marriage and wondering what the other alternative would be. Would I have been safe. Would I have been valued. Would I have been loved properly.

Lots of those questions.

The great thing is there is only 2 people who know about this blog that I have told personally. They won’t be telling other people so things aren’t going to float out.

So this is my safe spot where I can vent and talk and know I’m not going to be dragged down for things.

Thank you for keeping me safe

I grew up Mennonite. It was a small congregation. Maybe 30-40 people on a good Sunday. I miss the small congregation and the feeling like you are family.

I got married in that church surrounded by the friends and family who loved me.

It was a small almost secluded feeling church. I had the feeling that nothing was wrong and people within the Mennonite circle would not hurt other people.

Boy was I wrong. Through the years I’ve learned that people in other churches across the country were hurt by their pastors, musicians and other people in authority.

A friend I met while in Mennonite voluntary service actually works with people who have been taken advantage of by people in authority from all religions and helps to get their stories out.

I really need a hug today. It’s been mental games since I got up. I had to barter to get an extra 30 minutes of sleep. My husband is now in our bedroom getting quiet time. We both didn’t get good sleep last night. I really don’t mind him going off and getting some time to himself.

If I would do that I would have to beg and plead just to get time away from the girls.

I love my girls but sometimes I really need time away from them.

I might be on medication to help me with my anxiety but sometimes I still get overwhelmed and anxious.

I’ve kinda had to learn how to just take those anxious thoughts and put them in a box and deal with them later.

My first Christmas party with my husbands family I had a panic attack and hid in the hallway. 30 people in one house was overwhelming.

I grew up with small family gatherings. Like 6 or 8 people minimum.

His family is different. It takes hours to open presents. Everyone opens one present at a time and his mom has to take pictures. The kids open first then there’s a break to eat and then the adults open their gifts.

In my family we pass out presents and just open them. There’s no one at a time thing. Plus we do have food.

Sometimes I just need a hug. I’ve been married into this family for over 10 years and it’s still overwhelming.

I just want to sit and be hugged tight and know that I can breathe and feel secure and safe.

I don’t feel that in this house. I’ve been physically assaulted and mentally and emotionally abused through the years.

I would love to not be manipulated into doing something. I would love to feel confident. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved not used.

A year ago I told my husband that if he didn’t go and get help he had to move out and stay with his mom. He went and got help.

A year later he has had 2 med changes.

Now he’s not taking them consistently and is messing with the dosage throughout the day.

I’m concerned about him taking his medicine properly. You really shouldn’t be changing up when you take anti depression medication or how much you take without a doctor’s supervision. He really doesn’t like doctor’s that much. Ugh.

So now I’m going to have to talk to his mother about how he’s taking his medicine. I shouldn’t have to. I should be able to talk to him directly about my concerns. But he just brushes me aside and doesn’t respect me enough to listen to my concerns.

Thr only thing I’m concerned about is him coming back from his mom’s house and tearing into me about how he takes his medicine.

Its a thin line I have to tread.

I am enough. That is what I hear in my heart today. It was quiet but loud.

My family and some friends might not think I’m enough. That I’m good enough.

But I’m enough. I have a God that told me that I’m enough. I’m enough for him. He loves me just the way I am. I’m uncoordinated, I’m dead in one ear. I might not speak clearly. I might dress funky. I might drag my feet a bit when I walk.

I have a God who loves me just the way I am.

I would love to be taken out on a date and taken to see a movie and a nice walk in a park with some ice cream. Maybe even a foot rubb.

If no theater then a nice couch snuggle and a movie. I enjoy couch snuggles.

I would love some affirmations. That I’m smart, beautiful and strong. I honestly don’t know when the last time I’ve heard those words from my husband was. It’s like they aren’t in his vocabulary.

I tell my daughters daily that they are smart beautiful girls. I don’t want them to feel insecure about themselves or second guess what they can do. As a mom I know what they are. Wonderful beautiful girls created by God.

I wish I would have been encouraged with affirmations like that. I struggled with wanting to be known but wanting to stay in the shadows my whole life.

I left my job because I realized that I want more than just standing at a counter all day cashing people out. I wanted a chance to move up in a company that believed that I could do it.

I know now that I can do it. That I’m worth more than what friends and family see me. I know I’m an amazing person. God made me like that.

I want to leap to the stars and learn new things. I’m trying so hard not to let people stop me. Sometimes a wall comes in front of me and I have to chip at it for a while till I can get a tunnel through it.